Dear Anon – Thank you for the Ask.
Ok, so this is a 5-part Ask, so I condensed it because Tumblr is a lame in that Asks are limited to 500 characters.
Also, I will summarize things just so it is easiest for me to piece together and for people to follow it. Correct me, Anon, in any case, if I missed something in the intent, misinterpreted something, etc.
- You have a connection with a woman, with whom you slept with, and you guys both cheated on your significant others with. She has a BF; you have a GF.
- She doesn’t want to leave him or is not strong enough to do it or for whatever reason, keeps going back to him.
- He is a verbally abusive scumbag. This part I am unclear on – you said they may go to couple’s counseling, which tells me she is still with him, in part at least.
- She is who you want to commit to, but timing is bad for her.
- You have a girlfriend, who you are staying with, for now.
- She says she needs space to not be committed if she ends up single (assuming) which is probably very wise of her.
- You don’t want to end up in “the friend zone”.
- There is a part about a security cam that creeped me the fuck out; see more below on that.
Okay, dude, there is a ton fucked up here.
First, I can tell from the way you talk about her that you like her more than she likes you – that may suck to hear, but she is still sticking with a verbally abusive shitbag who is just a boyfriend, (no kids?), and considering counseling, which tells me she has long-term plans with him still. Seems like that tells me she (a) probably loves this guy no matter how big of a dick he is and (b) doesn’t want to pursue the end game with you.
Second, the part where you’d marry her. If you feel that way, you need to tell her that. In fact, if you love her – really love her – you need to tell her “everything”. 100% honesty.
Third, I hope you were using some metaphorical phrase that I am unfamiliar with and not speaking literally when you said: “the security cam will be replayed”. Did you fuck her and film it without her knowing? On top of being illegal and punishable by law, it is just disgusting as a human being to do that to somebody. If that is the case, destroy it, please. It is a felony in most states (see “Stephanie’s Law”) as it should be. Plus, you don’t love her and would make a shitty husband if this is the level of honesty you display to her. Now if she was a part of it and aware and provided consent on the filming, then ignore what I just said in this paragraph. Like I said, some things are unclear.
Fourth, leave your girlfriend. She is a girlfriend, not your wife with dependent kids and a mortgage and cars and a bunch of other shit that ties you together. Let her go be with somebody else. Plus, “can I date around?”. Dude, you are looking for a third woman in all this mix? You have enough shit going on. I think you should jettison both girls personally and start over elsewhere. I personally think both these women are better off without you (especially if you security cam fucked this chick), and you are better off without them because neither girl is really what you need.
Fifth, “She says she needs space to not be committed”. To me, this really says she doesn’t want a future with you. She is basically laying the groundwork now that if shit goes south with “Captain Douchebag”, she is still unavailable to you, and since her current relationship with him sucks, there is a good chance she will be single soon, and you need to be prepared for a 3rd guy to come in and steal your show, because that is what she is thinking. Trust me – she is already thinking of other hypothetical dick.
Sixth, Captain Douchebag. This part is not your problem and as much as you want to fix this, save her, and everything, she needs to do this on her own. She is probably feeding you a partial story anyway; he really should not be a topic of conversation. You want to avoid “friend zone”? Don’t listen to her drone on about her shitty boyfriend.
My recommendation: if you want this chick, tell her how you feel, about everything (especially the film), let her respond, and then back away. Be an acquaintance, but then let her ache for you in your absence. If it is meant to happen, she will know (a) you have a backbone and respect you more and (b) know you are not waiting around so she better pull her shit together if she wants you.
She may not – so be prepared for that. Some people you just don’t get to have no matter how bad you want them.
To be quite honest, a lot of the way you described your relationship with her was pretty troubling and borderline stalker-like, especially the video shit, but even just the way you spoke of her seemed “about you” and not her. You don’t love her as much as you think you do – you love how she makes you feel.
Sorry dude – I am not trying to be a dick – but I think you have some major perspective issues on this whole thing and I bet she may see that too, hence the reservations to draw closer to you.
Advice: move on, start over elsewhere, respect the next girl’s privacy, and her decisions. This relationsip has more holes in it than swiss cheese.