Hey, you give good advice and I would love to hear your thoughts on my problem.
So, I’m in a pretty long relationship – 2 years & counting. But we recently broke up and came back together. I had and have never experienced that kind of pain in my life; I was a mess.
It is now circa 2.5 months that we are back together (our break was 3 weeks) and I’m still hurting. I know these things take time but I’m having difficulty communicating these feelings with my partner. We are mostly avoiding that period all together; the only time that I tried to have a conversation about it, it was quickly shut down with the reasoning that couples break up and come back together like all the time.
Response from TRD:
Well, I guess it doesn’t matter if you are a sub, Dom, guy, girl, or a whatever – not sure why I thought you were a guy at first. Maybe that is just me projecting a bit.
Regarding splitting up, I agree – each time takes a toll on a person but it’s very possible to reconcile and come back even stronger. This is my opinion, so take it for what it is:
It depends on two things: (1) openness to communicate about it afterward, and (2) the reason behind the split to begin with.
Your partner is gaslighting you about a very relevant and important part of your relationship. They may not realize it, but they are causing doubt in you to ask the question and ignoring what is painful for you. People don’t “just break up and get back together” either – so that is a total bullshit response. They break up for a reason, and the discovery of that reason is very pertinent.
I am willing to bet that you broke up based on normal or standard “one person (likely them) wanted to end it” circumstances. That is something that develops trust issues because, in order for you to feel at home, you need to feel safe that will not happen again.
In other words – the reason you cannot move past this is actually fucking normal – and totally explainable. The fact your partner is ignoring your worries is a bad sign that you’ll never get past that unless they realize their communication issues and address them, and explore what was the cause initially for the split, and ensure it will not cause the split again.
But, as in some people’s cases (wink wink), if you split, and neither of you actually wanted it in the least and fought your fucking ass off to have it, and had not much choice in division happening, the health of the reunion is much easier. Now, this could be for a million reasons – maybe you moved away and moved back; maybe something else. Maybe he joined the fuckin’ circus and is back from following his dream as a bearded lady. Who knows. But for whatever reason – it’s an understanding that it wasn’t a desire of either, and the pain is easier to move on from.
You still are guarded against it but if you have some agreement that if the shit hits the fan, you’ll stay together no matter what hurdles you have – I think it’s very easy to open up again and dive right back in.