Nobody likes to talk about it, but those who don’t do their due diligence are just insensitive fuckheads. Nothing kills the mood like well, you get the point. I don’t need to get all wordsy when talking about what comes out your butt.
Ah, fuck it. Shit. Shit comes out your butt. I’m an adult. Or I play one on Tumblr sometimes. Now is not one of those times. Now? Now we are talking about butt sex, in the instructional sense.
I mean, anyone who has had anal sex knows that it is amazing. Or it can be. It really is The Shit (ok, bad choice of words). But it really is fucking amazing if done right, for both parties, straight, or gay I guess (that’s my progressive side aiming at inclusion; pat myself on the back for that one).
But it can be downright ruined, so for those of you venturing into the realm of butt play, let me bestow upon you a little wisdom about the ole ass-slammering.
First and foremost, and if there is another word that means “more foremost than foremost”, that too: clean. Clean. Clean.
So how do you clean butt, properly? Water Enema – no two ways about it. Plain and simple. Small price to pay for a ticket to wonderland, especially since I don’t have to pay it.
Also, you should have a high fiber diet the day before so you aren’t all….this is just getting gross. I fucking warned you. Oh, I didn’t. Well, sorry, cause the shit’s about to get even more real (bad choice of words again).
Next, guys, lube or tons of spit and ease into her ass basket with some care for the person who is taking your behemoth flesh rocket (like in my case, obviously. Don’t all average height caucasian men have gargantuan meat rods? No?). [Writer takes break from writing blog post to exercise, doing arm curls, with penis].
I’m back. Oh yeah, Feel the burn.
But when it’s time to stick it in, don’t go all Davey Crocket on her butt right away (I don’t even know that means). Ease into it. Start w a finger. Then…
Head. Tip. (knees and toes, knees and toes). Ok. Have you laughed yet? Be honest cause I’m sure as shit having fun.
Really to make it good, ease in. Pressure. Hold it. Wait. Wait. Then in. All the way. Hold. Hold. Let her adjust. I will repeat: Let Her Adjust. Then 0 to 60 at the speed of a golf cart. Eventually, you will be fucking with intensity. Be patient.
Stay with it and soon you will be having a field day. Might even get her to cum this way.
-Blog Post Written by Dr. Oz
Also published on Medium.