Anonymous said: So for the past few months, I’ve been recovering from a “broken heart” if you will, (I hate how kitchy that sounds) and although it’s not the first time I’ve been let down, this one is hitting way harder than the others. It was the first I really developed a d/s dynamic with someone that didn’t feel forced. It was so natural and effortless to submit to him that I worry I won’t be able to find something like it again. Anyway, my question is, the biggest part of my recovery has been this ache for a dependency on a dom. I loved having someone to check in with, and I miss feeling like I belong to someone and that they’re always in my ear with small instructions and affection. I feel like I’m having to relearn how to function without it and it’s incredibly difficult, not to mention painful. I want to be self-sufficient on my own, but I miss the structure and companionship of what I used to have. How can I make it easier to be unowned?
Wow. What a first Ask on the new platform. Geez, honey, my heart breaks for you. I know exactly the inverse dependency and I see the same needs in my girl that you expressed. I want to give a good answer here and I will do my best but the truth is – I don’t know how to move past giving your vulnerable and submissive side completely to another person – then moving past it once it is gone.
I have seen this as somewhat similar to virginity, but even more profound. You essentially give your mind and soul and place it into somebody else’s hands. The structure and tasks and checking in and all the D/s elements are components to something bigger.
I often wonder, if I lost it, could I give it away again? Could I actually be a dom to another person? I don’t see that as possible in the current state of mind I am in, but that is not what you need to hear.
One thing I do know is that time does allow you to gain perspective and open up again. I think this will be the case with you. Eventually, you will find a better fit. The difference between your situation and mine is this – mine still exists.
And that simple fact tells me one thing: that you can and will move on, because your relationship with him was not meant to be. I believe in things like “everything is meant for a reason”, and the fact that you and he ended tells me you have a better option in the path that lies ahead.
So my advice is this: don’t let yourself get too down. Know, deep down that a better D/s relationship awaits you, that will make this last one feel small, and in the meantime, get very aware and knowledgeable of what it is exactly what you need in the future for when that comes. Get prepared. What I mean is this: if you are unsure about certain elements in your relationship that you want, read more and see if you ache for it. Do you want poly or do you want to journal or was there that one thing that you guys did that never quite sat right? Learn more. Read more.
And when Mr. Right Dom comes along, he will respect you more for knowing you know exactly what you need.