I don’t know how to start really.. I loved being dominated but I was in a very abusive relationship in the past... one where I ended up in a hospital actually.. I miss having sex and I miss being touched... but I’m afraid to be broken again literary.. I am much happier now but I miss having someone in my life.. any advice?
Yeah – first off, don’t equate dominance and D/s with what you experienced. He was an abuser – vanilla guys do this just as much.
Some people in this world are just pieces of shit. They hit their women. They sexually abuse their women. They verbally abuse their women. They are just horrible people and how they like to fuck is irrelevant. Just because he was a self-professed dom means nothing.
I do think it is important that some women, yourself included and a lot of women reading this blog, should think about the idea of “sadism”, which for me has always been the part of BDSM that never really fit me well. Sadism, as I am defining it here as being, solely the act of gaining pleasure from somebody else’s pain. This is not the same thing as being rough or eliciting pain, for the enjoyment of her. What I mean is – sure a slap or even more extreme things may be part of my play, but what is the draw for me is that it excites her, takes her to another place, which she is happy to be in. I can’t imagine doing something to somebody if they did not at some level, truly welcome it.
I assume men who are abusive are more apt to like sadistic play but use it as a cover because what they really like is hurting people. I cannot stress this enough – these are the men you need to stay away from. Any guy who has a history of abuse is just fucking wired differently and like any abuse-group therapist will tell you, this shit always comes back and usually eventually escalates.
It is important too that you know that real doms take pride in taking the roles and responsibilities seriously, and in my case, that includes mental and emotional support, as well as structure, and yes some rough play, but aftercare is critical. At the end of the day – above everything else – a very deep and profound message of love is what is conveyed. Period.
I suggest you get back out there and before sex is even had, you keep your eye out for abusive patterns; you may be the type of woman who (a) unknowingly seeks these kinds of men or (b) are targets for these types of men. So you should become well-read on spotting them first.
Here are some key personality traits of abusive people, straight from the link at the bottom:
- Low Self-Esteem
- Cyclical Turmoil of Feelings
- History of Abuse within Relationships
- View Women, Relationships, and Intimacy with Fear
- Acute Separation Anxiety
- Possessive Jealousy
- Sexual Manipulation and Subjugation
- Beliefs in Extremism
- Substance Abuse
- Financial Problems
I suggest that you read the full article here, which explains the bullet points in detail:
Update: a follower who is a family therapist with extensive training in Domestic Violence, specifically working with the perpetrators, reached out after I posted this and basically said two things: (a) “TRD, your advice didn’t suck. It was spot on” (so I guess I’ll pat myself on the back there), but more importantly, (b) she recommended a book on this topic, titled ‘Why Does He Do That?’ By Lundy Bancroft. The link to Amazon is here.