Here is the deal about submissive women — or really, submissives, in general, gender notwithstanding I suppose.
You need — as a responsible Dom and leader — to set limits.
This is not a bad characteristic of a sub that she follows her heart and dives in deep, without a regulator of her passion. It’s actually a very beautiful part of what makes her so special. So innocent, if you will. It is her natural state to do as you ask of her, even to the point it is not in her best interest to do so.
She is after all — by definition — being submissive.
This is why when you still have total control over your will, as a sub — it is important that you allow only a Dom in your world that is of good character.
Women who are submissive creatures know this pull very well — it devastates them to disappoint. It devastates them to not fulfill. It devastates them to believe that they have failed their Dom in some way. Any sub knows this feeling all too well, even if in small doses.
As a leader and as her Dom — the amount you ask of her, in the relationship itself more so than the bedroom — I am beginning to realize — this quite possibly might very well be the most important role you serve as her Dom.
The expectations you ask of her — and the limits you set on your own selfish needs — that is such a critical part of being a good Dom to her.
Let me give you an example of what I mean. Sometimes, she cannot possibly do that task you asked of her — because of simple logistics. She has family in town or a has to work a double shift or whatever.
But you are expected to be the one setting the limits — not her.
You define the rules and set the game in motion, and she plays it.
As a responsible Dom, you shouldn’t have ever asked her to do it in the first place if you knew that she’d essentially feel like a failure for not being able to accomplish the impossible.
You — should have set the limits.
But you just couldn’t resist forcing that task, or that phone call, or that other risk, because whatever it was, was just so hot, or maybe just so important to you. Maybe you just missed her. Maybe you just needed to hear her voice, but at what cost. At the cost of making her suffer? Making her lose her job or ruin a friendship or disappoint herself in other ways?
Maybe you asked her to journal every day when you know 20–30 minutes — every single day — is unreasonable. She will do it. She will accomplish it because failure is way worse to her — but why not just every 3 days or every week, or whenever she gets free time.
To me — that seems like something a loving Dom would ask. A selfish Dom would ask for the impossible.
I am realizing that every single time I have ever asked her to accomplish the next-to-impossible — that I was failing her — as a responsible Dom.
I have failed before —multiple times — as a responsible Dom.
Never fucking again.
We all make mistakes, but I don’t believe that we all learn from them. I am in the midst of learning from some of mine, and I am so happy and fortunate I am — that I am learning — from my mistakes.
I am so happy I recognize my failures as what they were — failures. It’s a disgusting and weak human trait to sugarcoat things in life in my opinion, possibly even more so when it comes to self-criticism. I’d never sugarcoat a failure, especially in one of the most important roles in my life — I am not that kind of man. I’d rather recognize my flaws and correct them.
So it’s time to Dom the fuck up.
You ask yourself, as the Dom, what is reasonable? What is an honest measurement of reasonable? You want her to take naked pictures of herself in broad daylight because “dude, it’s so hot” when you know you are asking her to risk so much? If so, in the words of a D/s zen master, you’d be a fuckboy.
If you make her feel low because she cannot talk because of work — in the words of a still-learning, quickly-growing, less-experienced but thoughtful Dom — you’d be a fucking idiot.
Nope —now I know better. Now — I set limits.
I set rules. I apply the governor; I apply a regulator. Can’t journal because you are sick or have company? “No big deal, Kitten — your Daddy is so proud of you anyway for wanting to and I know you will when you can. Have a beautiful, stress-free day and when you go to the restroom or shower today, be sure to slap your pussy five times, hard, and feel like my dirty good girl when you do it. I am so proud of you. You are the most beautiful, amazing person I know. I love you.”
Sometimes it takes a shock to see life come back online. Sometimes, an EMT is needed to wake you the fuck up — as a Dom — as a man.
I — am — woke.