Okay… So I put your 12-part Ask into Post. Here it is:
Hi. So this will be a rather long ask – I hope you’re prepared. For the past year or so I’ve had dating apps just to mess around and get attention. I wasn’t in any place to start a relationship at that point or look for something serious. I’ve had plenty of bad experiences with men and a childhood in a broken family with a lack of love was hard and added to all of this mess. I’ve always been kind, caring, loving and a career-oriented woman of God, but still had trust issues. After I graduated this past spring, I decided to take a trip overseas to go home and see extended family after years. I grew up in the US, but I’m originally from an Asian country. I still had one dating app. This year I’ve started to be open to getting married and having kids quite possibly in the future – quite a shock for me. This summer I realized I was ready for something serious. I kept my sights open on the dating app and in my day to day to life for something serious. There were two guys I got a bit more serious with. The first, I thought was my true love. The second taught me the first wasn’t. The first one had a genuine nature, but after we concluded we would be better off as friends, he told me he was married and had just had a daughter. He was looking for a second wife and the first was aware. I’m not down with this and was extremely hurt. The second, I told him honestly about the first guy. He said he still wanted to be friends with me even then. He knew I wasn’t ready for anything and respected anything I said. We stayed friends for a month. I had a busy schedule this summer with extended family and other activities. I can’t create a family tree because it’s a forest. I didn’t pay as much time or attention to guy #2 despite how he would take time out of his schedule – which was busier than mine – for even five-minute conversations with me. We would text all day and had phone conversations once in a while, but I still prioritized guy #1 despite how crappy it was that he lied. Once I was consciously closing my heart to guy#1, I told #2 I would be open to talking in terms of something more. The something more? We would figure out as we went along. Being a woman of God and with my beliefs, I told him my end goal is marriage. After a week of getting to know each other, he asked me if I would like to “do the honor of being his girlfriend”. I still remember that night. We were video chatting and I said yes. He told me he loved me that night. I didn’t say anything more than “I know”, with a smile. I just wasn’t there yet. Within time, I realized how deep my love for him is and confessed it to him. Disclaimer: we have not met in person due to my family being conservative, as well as, the cultural I was vacationing in. We both wanted to meet in person, but he respected that I wasn’t able to and said we would meet eventually when I was comfortable. Don’t worry, I know he is real and not a ‘catfish’. We would video chat and talk for hours, or as time permitted. I came back to the US and we continued to make time for each other. We had phone sex countless times and wow did it do something…it wasn’t even the real thing. He became my dom, and I, his sub. Our families are traditional in terms of marriage, so he had a conversation with his father after a month of dating about wanting to come to the US to meet me. He said we still want to spend more time getting to know each other (at least another year or two), but that we were certain that if things continued as they did that we wanted to get married. His dad said no. His family is a well-known political family. I’m not from a low social class and my family has a good name, but in my home country, families in the political world only marry in the political world. I don’t ascribe to bias against social class inequalities, but there are people in this world who do. The political world is a whole different arena. We both were heartbroken and being that we both are family-oriented people, we knew we had to be logical and break it off. Time isn’t a determinant of love, but the connection and commitment we have for each other was. He cuts cold turkey because he grew up in a political family – knowing that you have to make sacrifices you may not want to make for the sake of your family and career. I need time to wean off a person. We tried being apart for a week, and then we got back together. It was different because we both were so hurt and had been working to get over each other and then I messaged him again. We both were hurting so bad. We had everything. The passion, understanding, commitment, friendship. He is kind, understanding, forgiving, humble, a romantic, a man…God damn, he is a man…emotionally and financially stable, intelligent, sarcastic and funny like hell, and just good in a variety of other ways I can’t even begin to tell you. It’s been a month and a half since we have tried to just be in each other’s lives as friends. We both admitted the love isn’t the same between each other now – not because the connection cannot be achieved again – but rather because we had to attempt to kill the emotions out of necessity and there is so much hurt on both party’s sides. I’m not sure what to do at this point…we’re both the perfect match for each other, but bound by idiotic social values. We can’t fight his dad on this because it would tear his family apart and we’re both family-oriented people. Do you have any thoughts? Thanks for your… Not sure if my last comment posted. I wanted to mention that he did admit that he used to live a life of partying, hard drugs, drinking, and being a player. A year ago he learned lessons about how he should change both for himself, and for God. I am 22, and he is 23, but we’re both quite emotionally mature to have survived what we have and to know that we want to go further. He showed me what real love and trust is. He is the perfect friend, dom, and partner.
Wow – that was a lot of words…
A lot to unravel here so I will be brief as I can. First off, the first guy was a douche because he was dishonest and made you fall for him before dropping the bombshell, but he was the first one to your heart so don’t let it feel as if “you preferred him over the other” kind of thing. Once I personally open my heart to somebody, the rest of the world is locked out, even if #2 was better.
Next, #2. I think his view on his family is horseshit. If he really “loves you”, which I think is a crap, he would see you “as his family”, and as a man, your immediate family supersedes the family you are born into. For example, when you build a family, your parents and cousins and aunts and grandparents all become secondary in terms of importance. If he is serious that he wanted to make you his wife, he would see it in these terms. But like I said, I think he is overstating how valuable you are to him. In other words, I wouldn’t give a fuck what my dad had to say about who I decided I wanted to marry, regardless of the family I was born into. And it’s not like it is political suicide in 2018 to marry a non-connected Asian girl. It all smells like bullshit to me.
I am sorry that I am so blunt but I see guys use words like “love” and when the rubber meets the road, they don’t follow through. It’s irresponsible to talk about marriage and love and then when there is a decision to be made, he pusses out and doesn’t tell daddy to go fuck himself.
I am not going to give you the “you are young” bullshit either. Truth is, you are at the age where you should only date men who are potential husbands. If you meet and date and are engaged to a man for 5 years, that puts you in your late 20s when you become a mom, which is spot on. I also am not one to put down online dating. If I were single, I’d do it and I think I am an alright dude, so it’s not like good people can’t be found there.
My advice: give this guy one chance to make it right and if he falters, drop him and cease all communication, so you can commit your heart to a new person and you don’t end up in another situation where you meet a good guy but your head and heart are with the junior politico. It will ruin your next relationship if you are in love with this guy. In time, you will see that he was not that “perfect dom” because if he was, he’d be totally vulnerable to you and he would have told daddy to go suck a dick. His dad would ultimately be fine with you, and daddy sure as fuck doesn’t want a son who won’t talk to him because he married an Asian girl. Racism and cultural bias are toxic to a political campaign. You can be pretty much anything in America these days and get elected, but not perceived as a racist.
Move on from him. It’s the best thing for you.