I have a question that may make you uncomfortable and I apologize in advance for it but I’d really like to get an answer from an experienced Dom.
From age 14 to 17, I was ‘trafficked’ by a person in my family. He sold me to people that paid him lots of money, I’ll save u the gory details but his parting ‘gift’ to me were 5 cigarette burns in my pussy that would ensure ‘I never forget who owned me first’.
I’m 38 now, so the scars have faded some but if a guy goes down on me he can see them. I’ve lived a pretty vanilla life with long term relationships and mediocre sex since in my culture (Mexican) kink is frowned upon, so I only had to explain them twice and the men didn’t really mention it afterward.
However a couple of years ago I discovered kink and I’m like a fish in the water. I love it!
While there are a few things that can trigger bad memories, for the most part, I think I’m pretty much healed from the ordeal. I love my body, I ENJOY sex, both alone and with a partner. I enjoy exploring and trying new things. If something makes me uncomfortable I speak up immediately so that it doesn’t escalate. I know my boundaries and am good at keeping them.
My problem is that most guys freak out when they see the scars. They start to treat me like a china doll or second-guessing themselves about how to act around me, no matter how much I tell them not to. I’m into the Dd/lg dynamic, but even as a sub, the two Doms I’ve tried to be with they change their behavior once they find out the story. I HATE being treated as a victim. Having men treat me differently is like punishing ME for something I didn’t ask for. How can I ask them not to do it?
I’ve thought about lying but I’m a terrible liar and it makes me feel bad to think I have to be dishonest in order to be treated normally. As a Dom, if you met someone like me, do u think you would be able to treat her normally? To be rough w her? To punish her and spank her without having to censor yourself? Would u be able to see her as a normal girl and not just be worried she will freak out on you? Please be honest w me.
My other question is, how long do I wait to explain the burns? Can u give me any suggestions on what to say about them to a new partner that would not have to involve the ENTIRE story? Sometimes I just want a little more time for them to know me as ME, and not as the ‘girl who got sold around’ you know? Maybe then they could see am not a pinless grenade?
Thanks for your time. Love your blog!!
Thank you for the submission and I apologize that it took me a while to get to it; sometimes I miss one or two given all the platforms that these come in on and it takes a day.
I have to say – You are one fucking amazing person. You really are. You should be proud. When I started reading your story, I just felt so bad for you, but somehow by the end of all of that I really saw how strong you are, how you are an example of somebody who has healthy thought patterns and has, from what I can see, really “gotten past it.” I wish more people could do the same; you’ve been through more than anyone ever should have to and you handle it better than people who dealt with far less.
To answer your questions and address the things I just want to comment about, I am going break it up into pieces.
First, the physical scars themselves. If it were me and my sub, I personally would not treat you any different. I’d feel bad that you went through that, as anyone would, and I’d want to make sure you knew that you could open up to me about anything in your past, and my protective side would want to do horrific shit your family member of he is still alive. When I say, I would not treat you different – it’s an easy throwaway, I know. But I know myself and it would not change how I behave towards my sub. I always use my orange sky as my reference when I answer asks, because it’s easiest to discuss things when I use that relationship as a basis of comparison. She and I did not have pasts without prior pains, as most people do, but never once did I look at the things she went through as something to not embrace. The person that she is – standing before me – not her prior experiences, is what I fell in love with. So in some ways, the shit you went through and the way you persevered through it should be embraced by the right kind of Dom.
Next, I will address the other parts – specifically the D/s things, as mentioned in the questions “As a Dom…do u think you would be able to treat her normally? To be rough w her? To punish her and spank her without having to censor yourself?” . Once again, no it would not change anything for me. The reason is this – I don’t look at being a Dom as a bad or negative thing, or carrying a negative undertone. I am not a sadist at heart; I may be very rough and aggressive, and sometimes the play can be very intense, but it is a way for me to let my guard down and her let her guard down, open up an unfiltered version of ourselves, and at the core – it is how I love her. That is what it is all about for me, when it was orange sky. I cannot help that I am still in love with her and when I write like this and dive into the reasons behind why D/s means so much to me, it reminds me really what it all was really about. So, back to you – no, I’d never cease loving and acting passionately towards a woman I loved because of things that happened in her past. If anything, I’d be more inclined to show her that side of me.
Last, “how long do I wait to explain the burns? “. I think you probably should look at it on a case by case basis – but I’d do it around the same time you are discussing being intimate with somebody. I have a certain thing about myself I am not a fan of either. I don’t talk about it, it’s not that big of a deal to others, but it is to me, mainly because it invokes memories when I was young. When I knew it was going to another level, I wanted to up front and provide a backdoor opportunity to walk away. An easy one. It was never really a discussion topic. My guess is, for the right guy, your physical scars will mean absolutely nothing and for the wrong guys, it will. Maybe you should see it as a gift of sorts to weed out men who will eventually disappoint you anyway.
Thanks for giving me your personal story.